im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
