If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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