turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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