so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
