My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
