i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
They should really pass out barf bags in church
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
