Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
