I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
