About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
