Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
