Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Ladies don't puke and tell
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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