Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
