It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
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There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
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I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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