i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Randomize
