Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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