Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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