i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
