I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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