o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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