I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
