he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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