I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
it's like iHOP with fire
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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