i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
