i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
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Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
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When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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