I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
