don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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