you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
