he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
