I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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