Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
