I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
