Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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