The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
