I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
