God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Bring me that man meat
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
