they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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