you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
