I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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