either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
