and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
