so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
