I wanna bring you to show and tell
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.