Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
