There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
