i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
