I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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