ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
