he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
