Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
