I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Actions speak louder than pants.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
