went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
