we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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