I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
