If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
