Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
