He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
