i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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