I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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