my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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