Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
