I wish I could teleport
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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